


And suddenly you

by Criscpi



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27042679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Criscpi/pseuds/Criscpi
Summary: 18 years of struggle to be happy. Despite wonderful friends and a lovely, strong mother.Can one person change things in such a short time?
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 18
Kudos: 44





	1. It’s Friday let’s party!

Robbe and Jens are at Robbe's house studying. His mother is downstairs reorganizing her working hours over the phone.  
"How is your mother now, Robbe?"  
"After the divorce she seems reborn. I was thinking of a breakdown but at the moment I see her motivated to take her life back in her hands".  
"And you instead?"  
"Me? Well. I enjoy the peace after years of shouting and silences full of tension".  
"Have you decided whether to continue..."  
"I'll go back Jens, really, but not now."  
Jens knew that Robbe would never go back to the sessions. It was as if he believed that with his parents' official divorce everything had settled down.  
But things, and he will understand this at his own expense, before long, need time to find a balance and sometimes even help.

Jens knew this, but he didn't want to force it; after all, his best friend had already had to endure too many challenges that year: divorce was just the tip of the iceberg.  
Robbe didn't have a safe place to stay: things with Noor hadn't gone exactly as he'd hoped and in the end he had to admit to himself first and then to others that he didn't like girls.  
Telling his best friend first and then their group of friends had cost him a lot.  
Even because if the jokes were wasted before, they made even more sense now and nobody understood how much those words hurt him. Except Jens.  
Jens had known him all his life. They lived close by and were like brothers. He knew how much Robbe really wanted serenity. He knew how much he deserved it. He was born with anxiety and after almost 18 years he still hadn't stopped.  
Jens hoped, perhaps like Robbe, that the divorce would put an end to this phase of Robbe's life; but in his heart Jens knew it would take a little longer. 

"Listen, if I tell you university party next Friday night?"  
"I say to you: free entrance or as usual we try in vain to crash it?"  
Jens picks up the phone and shows the invitation: “I can only bring one person. Jana brings one of the girls. It's all regular, Jana's sister knows the organizer."  
"Okay, I'm in. But let’s finish I'm sick of sitting around with this damn book in front of me."

The prospect of going to a party for the first time did not put Robbe into the  
Despondency: it could be a way to celebrate the end of a long and devastating period.  
It's Friday: school was finally over: now everyone could concentrate on the weekend.  
"Robbe this is our ticket to the party tonight. I'm keeping it. I'll sign your name then? You won't stand me up, will you?"  
"No Jens, I'm coming, let's put an end to Robbe Ijzermans' emo period!"  
Jens takes an enormous breath:  
"It's about time! Come on, let's go home and get the party started soon!"

Robbe at home doesn't know what to wear: in the end he opts for something that makes him feel comfortable:  
Jeans, T-shirt and a blue sweatshirt.  
He fixes his rebellious hair and goes to wait for Jens downstairs.  
"Hey, what a fragrant boy we have here!"  
"Thanks mom"  
His mother puts her hands on his shoulders:  
"Robbe have fun. Don't do anything silly but have fun. We deserve a bit of lightness, what do you say?"  
"I say that we've been sweating it out!"  
"I'll leave you the keys, and before I go back to partying, I'll have to make up for dozens of hours of sleep...I'll take a few relaxing drops and put on my earplugs... “  
"Okay mom, see you tomorrow morning."  
"Say hello to Jens!"  
Jens had played the clackson and was waiting for Robbe...  
"Hello"  
"I’m Ready. My mother left me the keys. I put them here and he points to a zippered sweatshirt pocket.  
"Perfect, we have everything, let's go!"

The party was at the home of a guy from the University who was hanging out with Jana's sister: everything was impeccably organized: there were two people checking the tickets and the number of people who could get in: a DJ from a well-made stage, and dozens of guys with drinks in their hands.  
There were no spirits, but few beers and soft drinks.  
"Sander's mother allows him to organize parties as long as everything is safe. If they catch someone with a liquor they kick him out. But believe me, it's a lot of fun!"  
Robbe looks around and sees a few people he would have liked to chat with: it was going to be a great night.

The music was high but acceptable and the genre quite varied to suit everyone's taste.  
Jens had now disappeared into the arms of Jana and Robbe was among unknown people jumping and dancing as he had not done for centuries.  
When the music slows down to give couples room to enjoy the moment, Robbe needs to drink. He finds glasses and water, finds a seat and watches the evening unfold as he catches his breath. But the air seems to be struggling to get through:  
"No, not now..."  
So Robbe finds himself opening a door leading to a warehouse, a little smaller than the room where the party took place: he slingshot at the window already open, opens it wide and starts to breathe slowly and regularly.  
It seems to improve, the air comes back in and out almost naturally.  
"Don't you like the party?"  
The speaker is a guy, sitting in an old armchair, smoking a cigarette a few meters away from him.  
"Sorry I didn't see you"  
"Don't worry, you did me a favor, you know? Now I can smoke in peace"  
"Well, now I finally started breathing again."

The boy gets up, puts out his cigarette on the floor and approaches Robbe:  
"What do you mean you're breathing again?"  
"Ok I'll make it short so it's easier for everybody: I'm Robbe Ijzermans, I'm almost 18 years old, and I suffer from panic crisis; I hoped they had passed, but the situation was degenerating so I looked for a place to calm down and catch my breath ah and just to avoid jokes already heard a million times: I'm gay".

"Why was it degenerating? Is something going on in there?  
"No no no, they are all serene and happy...but if I let my guard down sometimes..."  
The boy puts his hand on his shoulder:  
"I understand and you've done well, this is an exceptional refuge...I am Sander, 22 years old, master of the house and I am pleased to make your acquaintance."

Suddenly the door opens and a breathtaking blond girl comes in screaming Sander's name...  
"Come on, I know you're here, you haven't dedicated a single dance to me tonight...don't be a bear!"

Sander takes Robbe by the arm and brings him under a huge desk:  
"Please Robbe don't say anything...she's my ex-girlfriend, who still wants to be with me, and I don't want to see her... can you stay here for a few minutes?"

Robbe says yes, but he feels that this is not the place for someone who is fighting not to have a crisis.  
Sander realizes this  
"Look at me. Breathe. Bravo...a few more minutes..."  
The girl goes out slamming the door and Sander helps Robbe to get up...  
Accompany him to the window  
"Is that better?"  
"I don't know"  
"I'm sorry Robbe... I shouldn't have."  
"It’s All right. It...helps me to fight it... “  
“I know something because my father is a psychologist but not to the point of knowing how to help you..."

Robbe collapses and puts his head on his knees.  
"I can't.... me... don't.... let me think about something else, give me.... punch me..."  
But Sander had realized that he had already marked him enough and for a trifle. So without asking anything else, he kissed him. Suddenly.  
"I think it's better than a punch."  
"Y...yes...."  
But Robbe starts shaking. Not even that kiss helps him.  
"Sander... please calls Jens. He ... He knows ..."  
It was almost two o'clock in the morning: Many people had already left, but Sander couldn't know who the hell this Jens was.  
He gets on the console, talks with the dj  
"You get everyone out, I have a problem to solve."  
He takes the microphone: "I'm looking for Robbe's friend Jens. Come here immediately. Immediately."  
The DJ regains control and starts to turn on the lights.  
"It's me Jens, what's going on?"  
"Robbe has a panic crisis, come with me."


	2. Can you please stay?

When Jens sees him , he come close next to him  
"Hey Robbe"  
"I am... sorry Jens... I... tried..."  
Jens helps him to keep his head up: he would give anything to be able to take these attacks off of his friend.  
Sander come next him too and naturally caresses Robbe's head, who takes his hand and carries it to his chest.  
Sander does not move a millimeter. He looks at Jens and says:  
"It's my fault, I'll explain later. Shall I accompany you?"   
"I've got the car, don't worry.  
"Please, I feel so guilty..."  
Jens had to think and quickly. Robbe seemed to calm down a little bit with that boy's hand on his heart...  
"So let's do this: let's take Robbe home together and then I'll bring you back here so you can explain what happened, okay?"  
"Ok..."  
They help Robbe to get up   
"Robbe can you walk?"  
Sander is really worried: Jens understands this, he too didn't know what to do the first time... but now he knew very well what Robbe would help and he didn't have time to console Sander... He would have spoken to him later...  
When they put him in the car the blond girl sees the scene  
"Where are you going?"  
"A friend is sick"  
"Has he been drinking? Has he taken drugs?"  
"No, but how do you think? Can you please get out of my way? The guys are closing up"  
She leaves in a rage, Sander warns his parents and the three of them leave for Robbe's house.

While Jens drives Robbe is sitting in the back seat with Sander holding his head toward the open window   
"Please breathe...that's right, well, there's no hurry...but breathe... well, much better"  
And with the other hand he would like to try to stop the tremor, but Robbe holds its close and Sander can only indulge him.   
This boy is so... he seems so... in short, Sander doesn't want him to be sick, he feels he doesn't deserve it.

Jens retrieves the keys from Robbe's pocket and together with Sander they help him reach the room and lay him on the bed. Robbe lets go of Sander's hand:  
"Jens, don't tell anything to my mom, okay?"  
“Ok”  
The boys stay a few minutes near Robbe's bed: when they are about to leave the room he tries to sit on the bed:   
"Sander... can you ... can you stay? it seems that.... you.... m... can... can calm down me a bit"  
Jens smiles and says to Sander  
"Is this a problem for you?"  
"No, but..."  
"Tomorrow morning I will take you home."  
"Okay. Okay. That's right. It's my fault after all."  
Jens approaches the blond guy:  
"It's not your fault. Years have passed and I still don't understand what triggers these crises for my best friend. You have been more than kind. Don't worry, it will pass soon and Robbe will sleep for a lot of hours; now I'm going...for whatever you call me."

Robbe curls up like a newborn: all he needs to do is feel Sander's presence and have his hand in his own to start to stop shaking.   
In the meantime the older boy asks his father for help.   
"Don't force anything. We don't know enough. If he asks for you, you can only stay there and stay close to him. Strange that he feels safe with a perfect stranger..."  
"I don't know what to tell you, Daddy...I've only tried to be nice to him ...because I felt guilty..."  
"Tomorrow if you want we will talk about it  
a little bit...now we all try to sleep...it's almost three o'clock..."  
"Okay, good night, Daddy."

Sander tries to find a comfortable position and falls asleep.   
He wakes up a few hours later and finds Jens sitting on a chair:  
"Hey"  
"Hey... “ Sander stretching all sore   
"Are you here to take me home?"  
"Are you ready? Robbe won't wake up until this afternoon... or do you want to stay?"  
"No no, I'm going home."  
Sander takes his hand away from Robbe's and a cold wind passes through his fingers: after all those hours in that boy's warm hand it seems strange now to get rid of it.  
While Jens is driving he tells him something about Robbe:  
"Robbe has gone through a very complicated period. This has been a complicated year. As a friend I would like to do more, but some things have to come from him... you'll see that he'll belittle it as soon as we talk about it".  
"I am... sorry. He seems like a smart person."  
"He is. If only fate would stop picking on him..."  
They had arrived. What an incredible night that has just passed.   
"Thank you Jens. See you"  
"Sander...you were an angel for Robbe tonight. But can I be frank?"  
"Go"  
"If you decide to stay in Robbe's life organized to stay there for real. One day you will understand why"  
Sander nods and smiles   
"You are a great friend Jens"

Sander is exhausted. He throws himself on the bed and falls asleep: "everything will be clearer after a good sleep".

When Robbe wakes up, he hears noises of housework downstairs.  
He struggles to get up, settles down, sends Jens a couple of messages so that he can meet up in the late afternoon and goes down to his mother:  
"There he is! How was the party?"

He had thought of hiding things from her, but Robbe just couldn't do it:  
"A beautiful party, well organized. It's a pity that towards the end I had a crisis..."  
His mother approaches him immediately, embracing him:  
"Robbe...I'm sorry...how are you now?"  
"Tired, but I'm all right, Jens brought me home... Jens and Sander helped me a lot..."  
"Sander? I don't think I know him"  
"The organizer of the party...he helped me...he stayed with me until the end of the crisis".  
"Robbe, don't you think it's better..."  
"Mum, can we wait a little longer? Let's see if this was the last one..."  
"Robbe, we can wait until your birthday, but if it happens again, let's go back to the doctor to see what to do..."  
"Sold"  
"Are you hungry?"  
"I’m starving”

In the late afternoon Robbe and Jens are in the small square in front of their houses.  
"How are you?"  
"Much better, the usual post-crisis tiredness. Sorry about the party"

"The party was almost over and Jana and I slept together anyway... just a little but it's okay!  
By the way...have you heard from Sander?"

Sander. Perhaps he should have called him...he had helped him ... but he did not have his number...  
He doesn't know if it was his thoughts that were noisy, or if Jens really could read them perfectly anyway because he says:  
"He left his number on your desk."  
"Ah...okay, I'll call him later."  
"Robbe?"  
"Eh"  
"What do you think of Sander?"  
Robbe doesn't know what to think of a stranger: he felt understood by Sander and his naturalness in being close to him helped him a lot.  
"I think he was super kind with me“  
Jens looks at him as if everything was very clear to him, but not to Robbe...  
"Robbe, you do remember that you wanted him to stay with you all night long..."...  
"Well yes, that's it...he had the power to calm me down...that's all...I don't know anything else about him."  
"Ok ok ok"  
"Jens I know where you're going. And anyway he seems definitely interested in girls"  
"I don't want to get to anything, I thought you guys looked really cute last night, that's all."  
"You're always the same, I'll find someone sooner or later I'm in no hurry!   
Come on, see you tomorrow? Tonight I need to stay at home"  
"Okay, I'll be at Jana's tonight."

As soon as he returned home Robbe looked for the number: a small card with the phone number came out of his desk:  
Robbe takes it, dials the number and waits.  
After a couple of rings Sander answers  
"Yes?"  
"Hello? Ehm... hello it's Robbe"  
"Hey Robbe, how are you? I feel so guilty about what happened..."  
"Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault; I'm fine now, sorry about the party and tonight."   
"No problem. the party was a success, my friends fixed everything perfectly, and I rested until a few hours ago... Listen, I know it may seem strange to you, but... What are you doing tonight?"  
"I think I'll stay at home, usually I need to recover some energy after the crisis."  
"Come out and have fun...if you feel like it...I'm going downtown with a group of friends: nothing special, but at least we don't stay in on Saturday nights."  
Did he feel like it? Maybe.   
"I thank you but I really prefer to stay at home; if you saw my face I would still not be in the best condition to be a social animal again".  
"Not even if you ask Jens?"  
Robbe didn't understand why he cared so much.  
"I'll tell him about it but I can't promise you anything, Jens is his girlfriend's property tonight...Sander?"  
"Tell me"  
"Why are you so nice to me?"

Sander hadn't noticed: why was he so nice to him? He didn't know it well, but he felt it was the right thing to do.  
"Because I think you need kindness...but also new stimuli. Looking at life from another angle could help you manage your crises better."  
Robbe smiles: maybe Sander had what it takes to become a good friend. A few hours later his cell phone lights up: Sander sends him a picture of him on a go kart.  
"Look what happened to us!"  
"Ahahaha! Go kart! It’s fun! I was thinking... if you really want us to meet to make sure I'm okay, tomorrow we'll meet at the park to draw a new graffiti."  
Robbe doesn't get an answer and plunges himself into watching a movie.

The next afternoon he gets ready and leaves the house: cold and sunny autumn Sundays are the ones he prefers.  
He joins the others at the park and immediately begins to prepare.  
By now the four of them are well organized and in a few minutes they are able to set up in order to have everything at their disposal. The design was unanimously approved, they just had to start.  
"Professionals..."  
"Hey Sander!"  
Jens is surprised to see him, but maybe not even that much.   
Robbe has already put on the mask and is shaking a can when he turns around and asks Sander  
"Hi, want to try?"  
"No Robbe thanks, I prefer to look...can I take some pictures of you?"  
"Sure"  
The mural comes immediately as they had thought but time flies and the daylight is now too little to continue:  
After a few chats in which the group explains to Sander the basic techniques for drawing with spray cans, the boy decides it's time to say goodbye.  
"All right guys, thanks for the beer and the photos... Robbe can I talk to you?"  
They go a few meters away:   
"I thought about it: since I still feel guilty, can I organize the party for your 18th birthday? I'm good, you see?"  
"Sander..."  
"Come on... you'll choose everything, I'll give you my services and the location..."  
"And you say little?"  
"No, but seeing you feel so badly because of my idiocy doesn't make me feel good...please..."  
"How many times do you think I have to tell you that it wasn't your fault?"  
"A very high number...Robbe...therefore, do you accept?"  
"Ok, it's ok"

"Great, I'll talk to you in the next few days then!"


	3. Party boy

The first time the two get together for the "party question" ,they do it in a bar after Robbe’s school:  
"So Robbe, have you prepared a list  
of the things that you would like?"  
"Actually I would like something quiet... a few friends..."  
"Come on, Robbe...you're 18 years old!!! You can't help but do something special...I'm not saying to exaggerate, but at least something..."  
Robbe raises his eyes to the sky:  
"I can tell you what I like, and then you can propose something original to me: I'm damn boring."  
"You're not boring, you're lazy, that's what you are. Come on, tell me what you like"  
"So: I love autumn; the smell of the air, the temperature, the leaves and their colors...and then I love drawing graffiti, it empties my mind and fills it with beauty".  
Sander didn't think that this boy had the ability to capture the attention of others...he would have listened to him for hours...   
Then he comes to his senses and focuses on why they are there.  
"Ok is already something. I would say that in a party you need a table with something to eat and a table with something to   
drink ... unfortunately I can not enter the spirits".  
"Better...a lot of problems less... “  
"The cake?"  
"Chocolate... I love chocolate... I would like a lot of chocolate."  
"Ahhhhhh...vicious...go for chocolate everywhere...even on the birthday boy?"  
"Sander! What a fool!"  
"Okay okay no chocolate on the birthday boy..."

They go on like this for a couple of hours, then they say goodbye by meeting at Sander's house to see how to organize the location  
When he tells Jens the boy laughs:  
"You two are incredible!"  
"Jens, stop it. Do you want me to show you the dozens of photos with girls he has on Instagram?"  
"Ahhhh now we're following each other on socials too."  
"You are unbearable."  
"And you are blind. And deaf"  
"Can I have a male friend who is not you?"  
"Wait let me think.... no, I have the exclusive!"  
"Idiot. Let's go or else what a birthday if I have to repeat the exams"

Sander returns home and opens his computer.   
In front of him one of his first pic was the background of his Home Screen and over it a dozen of folders all grouped together. Except for one. One at the bottom right. The one it was better not to open and yet... and yet he is going to open it...  
"Sander! A friend of yours at the door!"  
Sander comes down unwillingly, he would have liked to talk to his father. To ask him for some advice...but instead he found himself again someone looking for him.

"Hello...”  
Sander barely knew the name of that brunette girl: what the hell did she want? Kindness Sander, kindness.

"Tell me"  
"That's it...I was wondering...if after the kiss the other night...you wanted to spend some time together..."  
Kindness Sander, kindness.  
"I thank you, but this is not a great moment for me. I don't feel like starting a relationship...as I told you the other night, I am in a difficult period. I don't want ties. I am sorry if you thought  
differently. I will try to be more careful and be clearer next time".

She smiles   
"I really just wanted a session in the bedroom."  
Sander next time maybe keep your mouth shut in every sense.  
"It doesn't change. I am sorry. Bye.”

"We don't make you drink Sander, but also these games with the girls..."  
"Daddy you're right...but I think I understand...what I don't want anymore..."  
"And what do you want?"  
"It is here that I would like to be like you because yes I have understood it but I am terrified".  
"Nobody is good with their feelings. I am good at organizing other people's feelings, but with my own... I have the same difficulties as anyone else. Believe me: now what do you say we have a little chat?"

When the door closes behind him, he knows perfectly well that he is going to get rid of a lot of weight.   
Sander sits on the sofa in his father's study   
"We speak as father and son, however, and... can we call mommy too?"  
When the mother reaches them too, Sander starts talking.  
"You've always seen me being with girls in a superficial way: true, but I was really just trying to find the right person. I could never fully feel myself. Happy. Whole. I never felt ready to struggle to build something, ready to wait, to be myself but in a different perspective... until I met someone.   
A person who changed my mood with a smile, who impressed me with his sensitivity, who welcomed me without knowing too much about me... I feel good and happy even if I am sitting next to this person".  
Sander takes a long breath:   
"But this person is not a girl. And I am not terrified because Robbe is not a girl... I am terrified that this great feeling is not reciprocated. I would like to be perfect... I would like a lot of things because he deserves them and I know he hasn't been doing well lately...I can't stop this wave that's been sweeping over me since I met him...does what I said make sense?"

Sander's mom takes him a hand:   
"Sander, love cannot be explained. It arrives and overwhelms. Sometimes it seems to you that this wave is too big to handle and you tend to run away: other times it seems that this wave, as you call it, fades away with the years, but all it takes is an unexpected kiss, a caress, a word, for this wave to take back all its power.  
When you talk about him your eyes are big and bright: don't think too much, let yourself be swept away by the wave and when you believe that he too will be ready... “  
The father intervenes:  
"You two will find a new way of living. Yours."  
Sander has one last question:  
"Does it happen even though you've known each other for such a short time?"  
"Sander, there are no rules about time in love. It happens in a minute or after years of getting to know each other."

When Robbe rings the door the next day, Sander shouts to him from the window: "Get in, it's open!  
Sander lets him into his room and Robbe finds himself sitting on a huge carpet a few inches away from this blond man who is listing a series of details that will be fundamental for the success of his party.   
"What do you think?"  
"WoW. You are an exceptional organizer. I am really impressed by the attention to detail. Thank you. Let's just hope I don't have to lock myself in the warehouse again..."  
"That won't happen... and this time I won't be an idiot and everything will be fine."  
"Enough Sander, it was not your fault okay?"  
"Mmm.Robbe have I ever told you that my father is a psychotherapist?"  
Robbe stiffens up and raises his voice:  
"Did you invite me here to push me to do sessions? Don't do that. I don't want to. I don't want us to talk about this anymore. Perhaps it is the case that I should go."  
Sander stands up and blocks him   
"No robbe, you don't understand...I'm not going to force you to do anything... but if one day you need to talk of something much more private, my father is a great guy, okay?"  
Robbe resides.  
"Okay ... I'll take your father into account if I need him. But I wish I could do it on my own. Hey, what is this folder? The photos from the other day? Interesting name graffiti squad..."

Sander should have hidden it.  
Now he should have shown the photos to Robbe...all of them...and he was tense...very tense.  
"May I see them?"  
"Of course...but remember that I am not a professional..."

The photos start to flow and Robbe starts to say: "but you are very good... they are wonderful... I... am speechless...".

Then come the ones that Sander should have erased: Robbe's close-ups while he laughs, while he is calm, while enjoying the moment.  
"Ok... these deserve an explanation: I hadn't seen you laughing yet and it seemed right to immortalize the moment. You have...a smile...very photogenic".  
"Sander..."  
The two boys look at each other.  
"Do you like them?"  
"You're incredible."  
They don't realize it at first, but their faces get closer, their looks move towards each other's mouths; Robbe can hear Sander's breath and Sander can hear Robbe's breath...   
"Darling, we're home!"  
Spell broken. The faces move away. They remain silent for a while until Robbe smiles and greets Sander.  
"I'll talk to you later, okay? See you later Sander" and he leaves.  
Sander remains motionless, his hand on his lips and the photos that remained there staring at them. 

Sander is agitated. He can't stop thinking about that afternoon and the way Robbe left, with him not even having the strength to say goodbye.  
He picks up the phone.  
He types and deletes the message about twenty times, then decides:  
"Robbe?"  
The answer comes rather  
Quickly.  
"Hello"  
"Hi ... can I ask you if you have Spotify? I would like to see your playlists so that I can create one... for the party".  
"Sure...hey I realized that it's only a short while away...next weekend..."  
"Yeah, are you ready for the coolest party of the year? There will be some nice surprises...I'm going to study your music... good night!"  
"Good night Sander"

The days pass and Robbe never stops imagining what would have happened if it had happened... Was Jens right? No. It was just a moment of weakness...he had to stop thinking...  
"Hello there, young man!"  
"Hey Jens"  
"Thoughts?"  
"Nothing much..."  
"Tomorrow great day..."  
"Yes....I hope you will enjoy the party!"  
"With an organizer like Sander it will be spectacular!"  
Robbe doesn't know whether to be more excited about the party or about the fact that he will see him again.

Saturday arrives in a flash. Sander and Robbe have not seen each other for almost a week.   
Robbe arrives with Jens and Jana and in front of their eyes there is a beautiful place: autumn had entered the house, the leaves were creaking under their feet: a wall next to the window was there to be decorated not with sprays to avoid poisoning everyone, but with brushes and dozens of colors:   
The buffet was perfect, chocolate was the undisputed king of the evening.   
"What do you say?"  
Jens is the first to speak:  
"Dude, you brought the essence of Robbe into this room. Very good"  
"I don't know him well and he's not one to unbutton, but I was pretty sure about some things."

The party goes very well and Sander is able to see Robbe smiling again for almost the whole evening. Nothing went wrong, except that he could not be alone with the birthday boy for even 5 minutes.  
When everyone leaves, Robbe and Jens stay together to help Sander tidying   
Up.  
"Thank you. Everything was perfect, everything."  
Robbe embraces him. Sander wants to hold on to that warmth forever.  
"You deserved it. You really did."  
Robbe doesn't stop holding him: he doesn't want to lose that contact either.  
"I'm happy to have met you."  
And as he slows down from that perfect interlock, he leaves.  
Jens doesn't say anything; it's no longer a matter of joking about an assumption, he's sure of it now, but it's not up to him to force things. For now.   
"Are you Happy eighteen-year-old?"  
Robbe still smells Sander's perfume in his nostrils...  
"Never been like this in my life"

The days pass the exams are looming ... Sander and Robbe feel sometimes but for 15 days everything, even the holidays are suspended: the school has priority.   
"I'm finished! “  
After days and days of study finally a little break.  
"Ten days off... ten... and Jens, do you know what the best thing is? No crisis, no crisis at all! Keep your fingers crossed for me..."  
"Yes Brother! Do you have anything in mind for these days? “  
"No but a couple of days at the beach I would."  
"The sea in winter...not a bad idea...who do we tell?"  
"It's not summer and the bungalows have few rooms...let's see what we find and then decide..."  
"Sander? Do you want to invite him?"  
"I don't know...I haven't seen him for a while...he has exams at the university as well..I'll see if he's available."

Robbe looks at his friend:  
"Attention, no funny jokes this time?"  
"About the two of you? I have lost my artistic streak"  
As they leave, Sander arrives.  
"Guys... how did the exams go?"  
"Finished boy. Are you on break too? Let's have a beer in the park before going back...are you coming with us?"  
Jens is speaking because suddenly Robbe has gone quiet.   
"Yes, why not"  
Sitting on the lawn Robbe melts away and tells some funny situations that happened in his group during exams.   
"They seem made up but I swear they are not!"  
Sander listens, laughs and thinks that it is really nice to be in their company.  
It's a nice afternoon, until, together with two clouds threatening to rain, the blonde, Sander's ex, arrives...  
"Sander!"  
"Oh not again ..."  
"Hey there"  
"Why don't you make yourself heard anymore? Do you think it's really over?"  
"Do we really have to talk about it again? And here? Can't you see I'm busy?"  
"With two guys? Doing what?"  
"I don't think that's any of your business... it's been three months... can we consider our story closed once and for all?"  
"Why?"  
"Because there is another person."  
Robbe didn't know. Sander had another person. He felt the sadness suddenly increase within him.  
"Who would that be?"  
Sander turns around and kisses him. Really. Like you kiss a boyfriend. Robbe goes along with every movement, as if he has known his kisses forever.  
The girl leaves, without saying a word: when they break off, Robbe doesn't know why, but what he says is not what everyone expects. He starts crying and without looking at the two guys he lifts up   
"Can you stop kissing me to get away from your exes, to... “  
He does not finish the sentence.   
He gets up and goes to hide in the old disused locker rooms of the old rugby field, which later became their favorite park.   
Jens is about to get up, but Sander stops him: "the time has come to clarify, don't you think?"  
Jens smiles  
"It's about time...I'm going home, just let me know if I have to come and get you some umbrellas..."  
Sander nods yes with his head, pats Jens on the back, and slips into the old dressing room.  
Robbe is again in the same position as when they first met: leaning against a window.  
A beautiful portrait.   
"Robbe..."  
"Sander please. Give me five minutes."  
"No... “  
"Why? Why kiss me? You were clear with her, weren't you?"  
Sander approaches slowly, in small steps, listening to what Robbe has to tell him  
"Sander. I know you like girls. It's okay, but please, if you kiss me like that, I'll..."  
Sander is behind him at this point.

His hands also lean against the window: he imprisoned with his body Robbe's one. He rests his forehead on the back of the boy to whom he owes everything. But he doesn't know it yet.  
"Please, Robbe, can you turn around?"  
Robbe obeys. Slowly he turns around and Sander keeps his forehead on Robbe, this time on his chest.  
"I didn't kiss you to drive my ex away. I didn't even do it out of curiosity. I did it because I have wanted to do it since the day you were in my room. Perhaps from before. Maybe from the moment I saw you in the warehouse. There is not a minute when you do not think how much I would like to be with you. How wonderful it must be to be your boyfriend; how happy I would be if you would at least accept the idea of trying".  
Robbe listens to every word. The same words that have been going through his head for weeks.  
"Try again"  
He says to Sander  
"To do what?" Sander finally regains contact with that splendid face   
"To kiss me"  
Sander gets even closer if possible:   
He caresses the face of that wonderful boy with his hands and then lets his lips meet those of Robbe.   
Robbe accepts the kiss, holding Sander to himself.   
Robbe detaches himself. Suddenly.  
"Are you sure? I'm not the type who..."  
Sander looks at him tenderly, realizing how difficult it must be for Robbe to trust... whatever he had to endure, Sander would have done everything possible to make him trust him.  
"I have never been more sure of anything than being with you..."  
Robbe brings his lips closer to Sander's... he feels caressed as far as the  
deep of the soul...  
Then the kiss becomes deeper, more intense: Sander knows how to make Robbe lose his head without even starting to touch him, just by using his mouth on his own.  
Sander descends on Robbe's neck, their  
hands start trying to get to know each other: at this point it is Sander who stops.  
"Wait. Not here...come"  
He takes him by the hand. Outside it's raining, a thin little rain is waiting for them: Robbe and Sander run hand in hand   
and Robbe laughs, the same wonderful sound of that time with the graffiti squad... Sander feels that his heart may not be able to contain so much happiness.  
"Where are we going?" Robbe asks him.  
Sander turns around and brings it close to him;  
“To my place... do you feel like it?"  
"Yes..."  
"Run then!"


	4. Sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: description of domestic violence  
> Be careful!!!!

They enter the room laughing like children, happy and wet.  
"I'm going to get some towels..."  
"No, wait." Robbe stops him "there's no need...come here..."  
Robbe moves the wet hair off Sander's forehead: and stops to look at him with a new expression that Sander had never seen before;  
"What is it?"  
"You are beautiful..."  
And kiss him slowly . Small kisses on the sides of the lips, then one on the top and one on the bottom.  
Robbe kisses his eyebrows, temples, cheekbones: he kisses his ears and kisses his chin. Then he takes his face in his hands, looks at him and says again:  
"You are beautiful and you make me want to take care of you."  
It had never happened to Sander before that a person told him these things: the way he said them, their meaning... that wave, his own, full of love for Robbe, was heading powerfully and safely into that room and was about to envelop them, never to leave them again.  
"Robbe I don't know what to say..."  
what do you want to say to this wonderful person? Are there really words that would do him justice?  
Robbe smiles at him: in his world made more of darkness than of light, having Sander look at him like that and knowing that he is not making a mistake, is already more than he ever wanted.

"You don't have to say anything...I'm starting to get cold. Warm me Sander..."  
Sander doesn't make himself repeat it twice: he starts kissing him with an overwhelming passion: he wants to feel Robbe all around him.  
While they undress each other, interrupted by the desire of their lips to touch up, Sander has time to whisper in Robbe's ear:  
"Where have you been until now?"  
Robbe rests his forehead on his boyfriend's and while he can hardly take off his shirt sticking to his skin he says to him:  
"I was lost in the world just waiting for you."  
In a few minutes the boys are naked under the covers and try to warm up with all the caresses they know.  
"Is that better?  
Sander asks  
Robbe curls up on Sander's chest  
Never been better...  
"It would be nice  
Spend the night together...”  
Sander does not want to imagine being without him. Not today.  
"Really? I thought so too, but I thought it was too much to be our own...first day"  
Sander knew he had a purpose in life and it was to keep Robbe close to him.  
"Nothing is too much or too little with you."  
Robbe kisses him.  
"Let me tell my mother"  
"Warn Jens too... but don't tell him the details..."

Robbe gets out of bed and goes to look for the phone in the pile of wet clothes in the middle of the room  
Sander looks at him in ecstasy: that wonderful human being had chosen to be with him. It was a dream come true: he had always wanted someone at his side to build a stable relationship, but no one before Robbe had had the cards to do so.  
"Jens just a few words: I'm in love".  
"Robbe just a few words: I was right."

Then Robbe calls his mother:  
"Mom....I'm staying out to sleep tonight...no, not at Jens'... I'm at Sander's... Can we talk about it tomorrow? Yes, of course... See you tomorrow".  
When Robbe turns around he sees Sander reach out to him

"Come back to me"  
Robbe stretches out on the bed like a cat:  
"Every time you ask me, I will do it..."  
Touching Sander was like touching something highly precious: Robbe would have liked to give voice to what he felt but the kaleidoscope of emotions he felt was impossible to describe in words...  
"Sander, how can you be so happy in a few hours?"  
Sander caresses his back... "I think you feel this kind of thing when you've made the right choice..."  
"Yes you're right...I have another question..."  
"As many as you want"  
"How will I spend time without you if just thinking about it makes my heart ache?"  
At this point Sander embraces him tightly...  
"we will need a lot of strength and determination, but at the same time we will try to spend as much time together as possible...what do you want to do now?"  
"Shall we get dressed and come down?"  
"But my parents will be there..."  
"If I have learned one thing about you, it is that your parents know everything that happens to you... I am not intimidated...if you brought me here...you knew that it would be a safe place for the two of us..."  
Sander kisses his nose and opens the closet to retrieve dry clothes  
Robbe's cell phone lights up while he is dressing: when he reads the message he stays still for a moment, then he drops the phone and starts crying: the smile disappears and he just turns towards Sander: "sander...I have to go. I have to leave.”  
He can only say that.  
Sander runs towards him and hugs him: he picks up the phone and reads the message. It was his father. Sander holds him tight: he realizes that that man could be the cause of his attacks. Of all of them. "Robbe it's okay you're here with me... there's no one else here."  
"I don't want him to come in again. Not now. Not with you. He'll ruin everything, he'll hurt you, I can't allow it..."  
"Robbe, stop crying: look, it's just you and me. No one is going to come in and hurt us. I promise you that."  
Robbe remains silent for a little while... he allows himself to be convinced by the words of Sander.  
Thoughts go fast, but they all arrive at the same point:  
"Would your father speak to me? I'm so tired of being sick..."  
Robbe speaks while holding his head in Sander's sweatshirt:  
"Do you feel like staying with me? I would like you to know this part of my story".  
"Of course I'm staying"

Sander calls his father:  
When he arrives he sees the two boys hugging but he realizes that Robbe really needs him.  
"Robbe. Nice to meet you"  
"The pleasure is mine..." he says as he dries his face...  
"Do you need to talk Robbe?"  
"I think the time has come... Can Sander stay?"  
"Yes, but he can't say anything while you talk, okay?"  
Sander nods and together they go down the stairs to the studio...  
Sander continues to hold his hand and Robbe before leaving to tell the story turns around and kisses him.

"Are you ready?"  
"If you are with me yes"

The father sits on the floor, in front of the two boys. No notebooks, no recorders...no uncomfortable armchairs... for the first time a session has the flavor of a meeting between people who want to take care of him.  
"Robbe when you want you can start;  
You can also stop whenever you want here, nobody is forcing you to do anything: this chat must be useful to you, not to us and to our curiosity.

Robbe nods and starts to observe and touch his boyfriend's hand:  
"First I wanted to say that if it wasn't for Sander I would never have told anyone what I am about to tell you. Years of therapy in which I struggled with all of myself not to tell. But I want to try to be damn happy with your son and so it's time to chase the ghost away".

He stops. One last look at that place, a photograph of the large windows that were wet with rain.  
He shakes Sander's hand to feel stronger than him, stronger than the ghost, stronger than the pain that grows in remembering.

"The first memories I have are those of a normal child in a normal family: Dad worked more than Mom, but as soon as it was possible, they were with me and I have a memory imprinted in my head of the two of them who put themselves at my height and smile at me. When I turned 4.5, things changed. My father changed and I became his favorite target.  
He threw things at me for no reason just because I existed in that room with him.... I lost count of the cans that hit me, or the shoes: the more I dodged them the more he threw hard, the more he failed the target the more he raised the stakes and violence: he called me and I approached him in the hope that the fury had passed instead he put out the cigarettes on the palm of my hand.  
He was damn smart, he never did that with my mother around. The more I grew up, the more I understood that I had to stay away from him: so I went to Jens, or I locked myself in my room to hear them screaming. It's a good thing he never did my mother any harm. Physically, I mean.  
The last time I saw him at home  
I was telling my mother about a girl I was going out with: at that moment, for no reason he grabbed me, threw me to the ground and kicked me. The police intervened. Trial, jail and me a kidney functioning at 50%.  
This morning the ghost came back, asking me if I wanted to visit him in the institution. Every time he tries to contact me I can't think straight and I cry. Like a few minutes ago".

He Stops again to catch his breath.  
"Robbe, I know it sounds like an obvious question but do you think your crisis has something to do with your father? “  
"I think he gave me fear. Fear, the terror of confronting myself...of being with too many people...I think it's a gift from my father".

"Do you want to see him?"  
"Never again in my life. Not even if he wanted to ask my forgiveness. I wish him no harm, but for me he no longer exists. I don't want him to be part of my life."  
"You already have some answers, have you seen them? How are you going to do it? “  
Robbe has known this all along, but damn if it was difficult to admit it:  
"I think I should look him in the face and tell him. “

"When you want and feel ready if this is the way you think best then you will go and you will do it. Without hurry, with your times and your needs... do you want to talk more?"  
"I'd like to tell you about the angel who is my mother, but not today..."  
"All right. Then I'll leave you two alone for a while."

When Robbe turns around Sander's eyes are red and full of tears:  
"How could you bear everything?  
Why so much pain  
Just to a child, to you?"  
Sander takes his hands, looks at them and then he notices small whitish scars: he kisses them, if he kisses them.  
rubs on the face, and hugs Robbe. 

"What can I do for you?"  
"Do not treat me with pity. But with love. Be exactly what you were until an hour ago. Stay with me. I feel so good when I have you near me..."  
"I won't let you go anywhere..."  
Kissing had never been so intense.  
"Are you hungry?"  
"Yeah....what do you say we have a pizza with my parents?"  
"That would be very nice but come here first"  
Sander approaches as if Robbe had to tell him a secret: 

"Thank you for this memorable day."  
"It's not over yet Robbe..."

"Robbe right?"  
"Yes, in the flesh..."  
"Oh God Sander... I knew that you would find the right person sooner or later!!! Your face has even changed!"  
"Mom.... “

Robbe and Sander hold hands and tell each other how they met.  
Sander's mother is beautiful: she looks very much like her son and looks at them with an adoration that fills him with tenderness.  
"But why didn't you bring him to us earlier?"  
"Mom, we met two months ago and we got together six hours ago... let me enjoy him a little bit!"  
She pretends not to have heard:  
"You are really adorable"  
"The pizza has arrived!"  
"Thanks daddy, mommy was getting intrusive."  
They eat chatting about more and less  
"Honey, shall we go?"  
"Yes of course! Will you guys take care of the arrangements? See you later, good night"  
Sander's mother kisses them both on the forehead and leaves.  
"I think your parents are exceptional, but they must learn how to act!"  
Robbe laughs and approaches him  
"Am I mistaken or did you have something in mind, I'm beginning to be curious"  
Sander puts the last things away and then tightens up Robbe's body:  
"Are you tired? “  
"Actually, I'm exhausted."  
"Let's go"  
"But your projects?"  
"It won't be the last night we spend together... it's all just postponed..."  
When the two of them put their heads on the pillow in a few minutes they fall asleep.  
Robbe wakes up in the middle of the night: he watches Sander sleeping, illuminated by the small night light resting on his desk.

Robbe caresses him, slowly and gently: his fingers slide on his neck, chest, back... He walks along the lines of the muscles, he lingers on the abdominals caressing them as if they were a musical instrument:  
When he gets to the boxer shorts, he caresses the fabric: first the elastic, then everything else.  
"Robbe..."  
Sander woke up with a pleasant sensation that enveloped him: Robbe's hands were leading him towards an unexpected, deep, intense pleasure.  
"Robbe..."  
"Do you want me to stop?"  
At that point Sander's lips could wait no longer: in those caresses in those kisses in that passion was what they had both been waiting for a long time.  
Security, passion, need, desire, certainty and love. The most important thing. The mutual love.  
"Do you know where I would like to take you in the coming days?"  
Sander is still in ecstasy and struggling to speak...  
"Where?"  
"To the sea. Two days by the sea. My favorite place in this period."  
"Let's go there"  
"Do you want to sleep?"  
"Yes, I think I deserve a recovery of energy...what do you say?"  
"Ah you take all the credit..."  
"No, we were perfect... tell me about the Robbe Sea, I love to hear you telling stories, you are magnetic..."  
"There are bungalows where I go to the sea: they are small and simple, but they have everything you need; and they are only a few meters from the sea. The beach is small, there is fine sand, and you always discover new coves where to take refuge and stay there to listen to what the sea tells you..."  
Robbe turns around: Sander sleeps leaning on his shoulder.  
The coves had always given him a sense of security, but nothing was comparable to what Sander had given him during those weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know lovely people what do you think of this chapter!!!  
> Love,


	5. Where are you?

“Robbe?”

Sander suddenly wakes up. It has been happening to him for two nights now.   
Robbe was not there. He was not embraced by him. That emptiness did not make him sleep. They should have left for the sea and started to organize their life together.  
Instead Robbe was gone.  
He hadn't been there for two days.   
He had gone to see his father alone and had never returned.   
According to Sander's parents they should have left him quiet for a couple of days and then start looking for him.  
Sander checks the last message:  
"Hi... he's right, I don't deserve you. I cannot let you sink into my dark world. I cannot do this to you."

24 hours had passed since that message. Sander could no longer wait. He gets out of bed. He gets dressed. He comes down and runs toward the door.

"Sander where are you going?"  
"To break this damn chain."  
"Sander is not up to you."  
"Damn it, Daddy, it's up to me! I'm his boyfriend. And his father has no influence over me. So I'm going to go and finish what Robbe started and then I'm going to find him because... “  
Emotions take over and warm tears run down his face.   
"because I can't do it anymore without him".

His parents nod, their worried face says it all:  
It was no longer a question of being right or not. Robbe was the priority. 

Sander arrives at the institute with a wheeze, as if he had run to reach him: in reality the tension was enormous.   
He, that monster of selfishness was there waiting for his next victim: but he had done his accounts wrong.

"Good morning"  
"Who are you?"  
"You should ask yourself this question: who are you, or what do you think you are?"  
"Listen, I am not here to joke"  
"Believe me, neither do I: I'm really only here to ask you one simple question."  
"What the hell do you want to know?"  
"Why?"  
"Why what?"  
"Why all that anger towards your son. Because you enjoy ruining his life. “  
Silence.  
"I imagined"  
"I do what I want with my son."  
Sander's voice is cold. Without inflections.  
"Here is the mistake that led you to rot in here: Robbe is not your property."  
"He is my son..."  
"And Robbe will bear this shame for his life."  
"My son is a loser. And as such..."  
"Be quiet. My ears have heard enough bullshit. Your voice is like the hiss of a snake and I can't stand snakes.   
You have finished making Robbe's life a living hell. We will erase it. You will cease to exist. We will take away your power to hurt him. We are a well trained army.  
A lot of people love your son.   
You had a pure pearl in your hands and you were so foolish not to notice it.  
My love for him will forever cover the terrible memories he has with you. I will succeed in eliminating you from Robbe's thoughts.  
From today you no longer have anyone. You will grow old you without a place to come back to and you will no longer know anything about your son.   
No discounts for those who have physically and mentally hurt a child.   
My Robbe.   
I finished. Bye."  
"But who the fuck are you?"  
He turns around. He points his eyes into those of that soulless man.  
"I am the worst person who could have happened to you: I am stubborn, tenacious, well-organized and irremediably, totally in love with your son."

Sander calls the operator who takes the derelict and takes him away.  
When Sander turns around, he sees Robbe standing.  
He had heard everything.   
He had seen everything.  
And he was running towards him.   
In his arms. In his life. Forever.

Robbe approaches him but then pushes him away.  
"Why did you do that? It will haunt you. He is able to do it. He will not rest until he takes control of you."  
Sander has another chain to break, but this one will be easier: everything will be easier from now on. He smiles at that dark curly boy and takes him by the hand.  
"Come"  
"Where?"

Sander takes him away from there, crosses the road and stops.   
"What do you see?"  
Robbe does not answer  
"Robbe please. What do you see?"  
"A prison"  
"Look at me now. What do you see?"  
Robbe thought he had used all his tears in the last 48 hours. Instead here they are again, here is the knot in his throat.   
"I see you. Everything. The future that I would like to have, but..."  
"Robbe is enough. Nothing but. He will not harm us. Never again. What do you see now?"  
"I love you"  
He was the first to say it and was the only thing he was certain of.  
Sander was the first time he heard it:   
"You are stronger than your past.   
You are stronger than your father.   
Do you know why? Because you don't need to use violence. People love you for this, because it is you.   
And I...   
I love you so much that I struggle to contain it all.  
Don't run away anymore. Let us fight together. “

Robbe lets himself go into the arms of that guy who was really an unexpected gift  
"I'm sorry, when I got here I thought I could make it. I was determined to put an end to it.   
I came vomiting on him with everything I had been holding back for years.  
Years.

I finished telling him that I was happy now. That I had found someone who made me extremely happy and that he would not ruin it.   
Instead. He caged me again, telling me that I was happy but that it would not last long. Because I was unable to love someone. Because I was the one  
that had ruined everything. My head knew exactly that it was a trap. But everything else in my being betrayed me again.  
I went out and I felt lost. I had failed. Whatever the prospect, I felt I had failed.  
I am sorry. I was not yet ready to face it alone."

Sander looks at him. He knew he could not understand what he had experienced.   
But he knew how much he wanted to end this.  
"I don't know if those who say that certain things have to be faced alone in order to defeat their ghosts are right. But I do not agree. Robbe, you and I can do it together. Together. I don't care if it takes longer, okay? But let's do it together."

Sander takes him by the hand. They cross the city through the parks in front of everyone's eyes. Who understands and who doesn't.  
Sander doesn't let go of his hand and Robbe holds it harder and harder.

When Robbe's mother sees them coming, a sigh of relief comes out louder than usual.  
"You're home at last"  
"Yea, I’m home. I made you worry eh?"  
"Are you okay? Have you solved everything?"  
"I do not know, but I have understood that I am not alone. I am sorry if I have put you in trouble"

"Robbe. Now let's relax. Let's talk about it when all three of us are better. Will Sander stay with us?"  
"Yes,please honey stay. So we can organise our trip to the sea"  
"Do you really want to go?"  
"Yes. Let's start looking ahead"


	6. The beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those who wanted to know what had happened to the beach ... a little taste before leaving them alone to enjoy the rest of the story. Their history.

"We are almost there"  
Sander parks the car alongside  
Their bungalow.  
A small space, a little bigger than their bedroom, but all for them.  
When they arrive, they put their suitcases down and Robbe immediately takes him to the beach: they start running, they push themselves into the cold water... on that late afternoon of an autumn day, happiness could only be found there on that beach, in the laughter of two boys in love.  
"I have a surprise for you"  
Says Robbe.   
Next to the bungalow on the opposite side of Sander’s car, Robbe had an inflatable tub with hot water and hydromassage installed.   
"Won't it be beautiful to watch the sunset from here?"  
Sander approaches and looks at him staring at his  
Eyes.   
"Robbe, everything has become beautiful with you"  
They undress quickly and enter in that wonderful pool: they talk about each other, search one the hand of the other, play...until Robbe approaches Sander: at that moment the sunset was at its best: red sky with breathtaking shades and blue sky spots from which dozens of stars were ready to sprout.  
"I have imagined this moment a thousand times, but nothing is like really living it with you.”

Sander brings him on himself: he can no longer speak only has the desire to kiss his boyfriend.

During that kissing session, Sander notices that Robbe's body is covered with goose bumps:   
"Hey honey are you cold?"  
Robbe tightens his hair on the back of his neck:   
"No, that's what you do to me..."  
Sander looked up at the sky, while Robbe filled his neck with kisses.  
He sees a comet star and makes a wish: "I want all of this for eternity: him and me. Nothing else."

When they come out of the water the moon is high in the sky: they make dinner on the small sofa and relax themselves listening to music and drinking wine.   
"Let's go see if from the window we can see the reflection of the moon on the sea."

The scene of Robbe at the window is something that is deeply part of their story; but Sander doesn't want to be nostalgic tonight: while Robbe looks out, he approaches him undressing himself and stays behind him:   
He pulls down Robbe’s pants with slow and gentle gestures, then puts his warm hands under Robbe's shirt and lets his head go on Sander's shoulder: "can I take it off?".  
There is an imperceptible movement of the head, and this suggests that it is a yes...  
The nods of consent are becoming more and more frequent, the volume of the voices are becoming more and more frequent, rhythmically higher, until the glass fogs up.  
There is no reason to limit gestures and words: that space and that night are only for them... 

The next day they decide to eat in one of the coves so dear to Robbe: the sun of a clear day allows them to organize lunch.   
Under the blankets, to shelter from the cold air coming from the sea, Robbe explains what he was doing in the coves during the summer afternoons, as he could imagine his future, which only in that place had a nice ending.   
Sander listens to him: his boyfriend seemed to gain more and more confidence every day: he was learning to look ahead, without ever turning back.

"One day I would like to ride a wave with my surf... one of those huge ones..."  
"Robbe but you are already riding it...when I told my parents about you I explained that for me being with you and loving you was like a big wave...our wave. “  
"So will you ride it with me?"  
"Even if it's the biggest wave that ever existed, I'll ride it with you, and when we get tired, we'll hole up under it."  
How beautiful those long kisses that confirm the words. They are better than promises, better than anything.

"Sander...in a few months I will graduate..."  
"Do you want a party?"  
"Let me finish! "he laughs...  
"When I graduate... can I bring some of my things to you?"

"Robbe..."  
"So that when I stop, I won't have to steal your clothes..."

"Come here..."  
The scent of those curls. The scent of Robbe.  
Sander kisses him on the head and gets intoxicated by his perfume.

"I have another proposal: do you know the party room? It's a wing of the house that we don't use much...so I wanted to turn it into a sort of apartment...where you can spend as much time as you want...with me."

Robbe throws him around Sander’s neck  
"It's a great way to start our future."  
"The best way”


	7. The diploma and the flat

"Hey sweetie... are you ready?"  
"Yes, and you will finally show me the end of the work? I only saw rubble at the moment"  
"I wanted it to be a surprise for your diploma... “  
"So I can see it tonight? Please Sander...."  
"All right, tonight it will be the night... it will be part of my gift..."  
"Sander, I told you no presents!"  
Sander approaches languidly and takes Robbe by the hips: “and exactly, who said anything about traditional gifts?"  
He kisses him on the forehead, there wasn't much time left, they had to go out for the graduation ceremony.

The boys enter the kitchen dressed impeccably: his mother had just finished making pancakes.  
"Good morning, guys... I had to do something to keep the emotion at bay...do you want to?"  
"Mom thanks but from the quantity we can take them to the ceremony and join them to the buffet!"  
"If I knew about your mother's culinary skills I would have hired her for my parties!"

We try to dilute the emotion that pervades the air...  
When Robbe remains alone with Sander because his mother runs to get ready, Robbe cannot lie:  
"I'm a little afraid..."  
"Why? It's only a ceremony...you have already graduated..."  
"I am afraid that he..."  
"Robbe...enjoy it. He won't be there. It is an invitation-only ceremony. He won't do anything to you. The police know that that monster must not approach you. There are many people on your side. Try not to think about it. Come here..."  
Sander kisses him deeply: difficult to return to earth and regain control.  
"My father told me about the kissing therapy..."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yes yes, every time you're sad, or angry, or frightened, or happy...or cheerful...I have to kiss you like this".  
If it had not been for their mother, these two would probably have lost the ceremony by kissing.

Everything goes the way everyone hoped for: emotions, tears, laughters... binges of sweets and Jens and Jana as  
beautiful as ever and tender in feeding each other.

"Awwwww"  
The boys murmur  
"Speak you who spread sugar in every place you pass!"

Jens approaches Robbe with an elbow: "So tonight you will finally discover Sander's new apartment?"  
"It looks like it..."  
“Hey bro... let me know ok?”  
Robbe hadn't told anyone what he had in mind. 

He returns home with his mother after saying goodbye to Sander and the rest of the group.  
"Shall we relax together, darling?"  
"Sure...  
They sit on the sofa after taking off those clothes as beautiful as uncomfortable.  
They put both feet on the coffee table and turn on the TV:  
"Robbe, you tell me now what is it?"

His mother. She had understood that he had thoughts that were going on in his head.  
"Mom, how do you think about me and Sander?"  
"Oh Robbe, if you could see what others see in you! You can see that you have found each other's kindred spirits."  
"I...I would like to ask Sander something tonight, but I have two doubts: one about you and one about me and him..."

"Tell me..."  
Robbe takes a deep breath:  
"I want to live with him mom. I want to learn to be with him always, to enjoy the days... positive and not. But you?"

"Robbe...me? I will miss you very much, but you won't go that far! And also Robbe...you are my son and I love you very much, but life is yours..."  
"But...isn't it too soon? We are young, our history is young too..."

"Enjoy the moment, my dear, don't you think you deserve it? You two are like this... you'll see, when you want to start enjoying life?"

Robbe prepares the backpack to spend the weekend at Sander's:  
When he arrives, his handsome boyfriend is waiting at the door, the same one who saw the beginning of everything:  
"Are you ready?"  
"Yes,"  
Inside a beautiful open space. Linear furniture in light colors with colored parts that turned on blue.  
A kitchen ideal for space and well designed in detail and a relaxation area with a sofa bed and a TV.  
"Many things come from home, others I found in vintage stores: I repainted them and I think they look good... what do you  
Think?

"WoW Sander I am speechless... you have a very good taste in choosing things...”  
Robbe can’t watch the smirk born on Samder’s mouth..  
"We still have two and a half interesting rooms"  
The bathroom was designed to break the patterns of the rest of the house: stones and light effects created an environment more like a spa than a home bathroom.  
Next to it there is a small room that Sander is setting up for his photographs: "it could become more than a hobby...".  
Then Sander brings Robbe in front of the bedroom:  
When he opens Robbe is amazed:  
There was only the furniture from Sander's old room.  
"I wanted us to decide together on the room where we would spend the nights together..."  
Robbe throws his backpack on the floor and kisses him as if he hadn't seen it for months.  
"I must give you something Sander..."  
He opens the backpack and pulls out a note of the classic white ones, but when Sander opens it:

"Robbe... Really? Are you sure?"  
"I've never been more sure of anything!

Sander throws him onto the bed, dropping the open note on the floor:  
While the love of two boys wears off, the card remains open with only one clear question:  
"Can I come and live with you from now on?”

You haven't answered me yet"  
Robbe was walking around the apartment, looking at what would be his new home and with his fingers he touched the surfaces and tested the warmth and grain of things.  
Two hands forced him to turn around:  
Sander is there in front of him who never stops smiling and hypnotizing him with those eyes of the color of the sea.  
"I don't want to wait a second longer. Let's go get your things."  
Robbe thinks that he really has spent years of hell: but Sander in a short time has created for him and with him a wonderful world to live in forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comment!  
> Let me know what do you think...   
> is it the end?


	8. Our fist dawn

"Robbe come!"  
Robbe was in the kitchen arranging the dishes.  
Their first dinner together. Alone, knowing that Robbe would not have to come home: it was Sunday evening and Robbe would stay with Sander.   
He had called his mother to see how she was and seemed to be doing quite well. Maybe she also needed a time of her own to start over.  
Robbe just managed to wipe the smile off his face.  
When he reaches Sander, the boy is holding a package:  
"Before you say anything, it's not just for you, but I wanted you to open it....  
Robbe takes the package, sits at the edge of the bed where he had reached Sander and discards the wrapper.   
Inside there is a photograph of the two of them taken by Sander one day when they just wanted to sit on the bed and play with each other.  
The photo was beautiful: maybe Robbe could see what his mother meant when she talked about what the others saw in the two of them: their glances turned towards each other had an infinite intensity.  
"Look how much we love each other"  
These were the first words Robbe addressed to his boyfriend.  
Sander knelt in front of him: that was exactly why he had chosen that photograph: no particular technique, but their eyes spoke and said a lot about the two of them.  
"I'd like to put it here in the room, what do you say?"  
"I find it a wonderful idea"

They hang their first photo in their new bedroom, on their first night as lovers.  
Robbe approaches the furniture and turns on the music:   
"Dance with me"  
Sander approaches, puts one hand on Robbe’s hips and one on the nape of Robbe, who does the same; their foreheads touch each other, their lips touch...   
"Have you ever been so happy?"  
"Never. And Robbe, I will tell you more, I want to be happy only with you."  
"I also want to be happy with you. You are the gift that I've been waiting for all my life."

They dance holding on tight for a few songs, until their hands, tired of staying in the same position, begin to move.  
The caresses on the back are the prelude to warmer intimate caresses, caresses that lead to their bed, to their room, to their private way of loving each other.   
"Is this really happening?  
Sander still doesn't believe it; until less than a year ago a love story was not one of his priorities.  
Until that boy, at the window looking for oxygen, changed his life forever.  
"Yes baby. It's happening. We're together, in every sense now."  
Robbe plays with Sander's navel : then he sits on him.

"When I had the crisis here... you kissed me instead of give me a punch...why?"

Sander posits his fiancé's body better on himself, kisses his chest and looks at him:  
"I was in panic and didn't know what to do...but not to hurt you. I would not have been able to do it. I was looking at you and I wanted to hold you tight...a wave of tenderness had arrived. That wave which I then realized what it really was: at first I thought it was something related to your crisis, to my sense of guilt...but I was wrong. I was falling deeply in love with you and then in the park, when I saw you smiling...struck to the heart. The wonderful thing is that the more I spend time with you, the more I love you."

Sander caresses the body of his angel: "What about you?"  
“I immediately noticed that you were an interesting guy: when you left to look for Jens, inside me, the darkness suddenly came back; then you came back, you touched me and it was as if hundreds of lights were on at the same time.  
It took me a while to realize that what I felt was a boundless love.   
Now I have a request: come back inside me".

Sander was waiting for nothing else: to merge with Robbe was wonderful. The warmth they produced together. He never imagined he would find someone so special to share the rest of his life with.  
Robbe thought the same thing; making love was a dialogue that their bodies had immediately understood: the naturalness of what was happening in their intimacy: there was never any need to explain anything.  
One was waiting for the other and meeting each other had created magic. 

The first Dawn. They watched the rising sun from their bed. They were exhausted but extremely happy:   
"It will be like this forever Sander, won't it?"  
"Forever and beyond Robbe"


End file.
